Often, to be free means the ability to deal with the realities of one’s own situation
so as not to be overcome by them. - Howard Thurman
I’m sitting in the internal rubble of everything that came before. This is the messy interlude between the life I’ve lived until now and the future I’m envisioning. The gap in between doesn’t have a stepped action plan or a safety net; I’m in a free fall of trust and surrender. I know what I want, but where I am today and the reality of that lived experience is a chasm I don’t quite know how to cross . . . yet.
Arriving in New York City felt like a huge exhale of relief for my soul, but my ego wants to shift into overdrive and fix everything immediately. The problem I see however, is the ego will rebuild from the limitations of past perceptions and my life no longer feels aligned with those stories. I need the unexpected, the improbable, and the miraculous because some part of me needs . . . my faith restored? No, not quite. The entirety of me wants to be in love again . . . with my city, my curiosity, my creativity, and maybe even with a man. 🥰
The last year in England was hard . . . one of the hardest years of my life. Somehow, it felt like a fitting bookend to my son’s childhood, as the first year of his life, was the most challenging of mine and this last year of his childhood, proved to be my second hardest. We went to England with high hopes of fulfilling dreams, only to realize those dreams no longer had a claim on our hearts. It was a hard realization to own the truth that the foundation we’d left behind, was the one we should have strengthened, instead of abandoning. Benjamin and I have returned home after a year abroad with nothing to show for our efforts, except inner clarity. Maybe that’s enough. But, precious time feels like a gift I won’t be wasting on inner clarity alone now though; I need some tangible wins.
These days - most days - feel bittersweet.
I walked in Central Park recently with a weight bearing down on my heart. My beloved Zuri is no longer at my side and it’s impossible to walk in the park without feeling her presence there - everywhere - after years of our walks there together. Benjamin and I made the impossible decision to spare our beautiful girl long suffering before returning to the United States. Zuri was getting old and had been diagnosed with a high profile case of Degenerative Myelopathy, which was causing paralysis in her legs. She had taken her last run in an English meadow some months ago. 💔
I’m aware not only of Zuri’s absence - the loss of one of the great loves of my life - but that I’m here to start building my life again from the ground up. While I feel excitement, I also feel grief and overwhelm. Life has been testing my emotional grace. I think this is likely the case for all of us, as reality demands that we contain a multitude of emotional experiences simultaneously. I seldom have days that maintain an emotional equilibrium, as I’m moving through changes that stir emotions at the extreme ends of my emotional bandwidth.
When I reflect on the most poignant transitions of my life, this always seems to be the case: there is excitement and joy about what the future holds, while simultaneously feeling the grief and pain of loss, and the need to remain focused on the demands of the present. I wake up moving through heavy emotions, while holding tight and fast to the joy incited by returning to New York City. I feel tremendous fear about starting again, after a year abroad that left me devastated by the realization that whatever foundations and security I thought I had, were illusions reminding me of both my fragility and extraordinary strength. While being aware, perhaps for the first time in my life, who I can really count on. Elation and agony: the complexity of feeling every day.
I can’t remember a day that didn’t contain emotional complexity. Can you?
We can all look at transitions in life with a measure of appreciation for the emotional gifts and challenges they impart. And while I’m going through a transition that is uniquely mine, I’m aware that emotional breadth isn’t mine alone. We’re all being tested by a world in the throes of radical transformation. How we respond to it though, is the measure of our emotional meddle.
England certainly tested my spiritual tenacity, as I relied on my spiritual practices heavily to avoid feeling despondent. I leaned into my love for, and time with, Zuri, as she was the most consistent joy the last year offered. I walked a lot . . . I walk every morning regardless, but I walked off fear, anger, and loneliness when those feelings felt hard to move. I watched and read stories about the strength of the human spirit and our infinite capabilities for the creation of beauty. And I held onto the hope in my own heart, that one day, I would finally live my life on my terms.
What I gained in inner clarity, was the realization that I’m a change master. Not someone who’s done a lot of changing, which is certainly true, but someone who has - through circumstances and conscious choices - become capable of aligning with the kinds of changes that make for a truly remarkable life. Most people who know the full extent of my life story can’t believe how full and rich it is, but there is always that moment of recognition underneath my ability to transform: life can get really big. If you want a grand adventure, which I most certainly do, life doesn’t disappoint.
The soulful life . . .
Human beings were made for change. We aren’t meant to play small, limit our potential, or accept less than the full breadth of experience available to us, if we’re willing to take risks and leaps of faith, surrender our need to know, and sit with the emotional discomfort that accompanies big change. I can say all of this with certainty, not because of my capacity to intellectually process information or problem solve, not because I hold tight and fast to spiritual ideals, but because I consciously lived through every change required to align with my soul. The certainty I feel about myself now was hard-won wisdom.
A soulful life is bittersweet. Anyone who sells you all light, joy, and positivity, is never also going to experience the gift of depth, breadth, and the full realization of their potential and purpose. Life is messy and it needs to be, because that’s how we align with our divine nature. 🌟
It’s my purpose and joy to help you align with your purpose and joy. 💫 How are you faring? Reach out if you need support, as I’m seeing clients and doing hand analysis readings . . . and nothing brings me joy like seeing transformation in real time, especially when it’s someone else’s life lighting up because of the work we’ve been undertaking. I hope you’re all enjoying a beautiful summer, whatever form summer beauty takes for you! 😎
With love from my whole being,
Lisa 💋❤️
P.S. My beautiful, precious Zuri girl,
I have no words to express the grief I feel without your sweetness present beside me. Yours was the purest heart I’ve ever encountered: only love, gentleness, and joy! (How fitting you were born on Valentine’s Day.) I will miss your example every day for the rest of my days, as I carry profound gratitude that we shared our journeys for a time.
I’m taking you home to Central Park, where I will lay your remains to rest in the place you loved so dearly. Every time I cross the Bow Bridge, I will inwardly see your joy and hear the sounds of your paws, as you bound full of life towards me. Rest in peace, my love. ❤️
What a lovely, poignant reflection. Bittersweet indeed. I can relate to a lot of it, of course. I wish you and Benjamin all the best as you create your next chapter.
Thank you for this, your gift of words.
For you only 🙏🤍🌸